Couples who are having difficulty in their relationship usually refer to this as having communication problems and not getting along. They bicker and fight, the fighting escalates and then there is a stop, they don’t see eye to eye and don’t seem to be on the same page, they struggle to meet their needs, everything is good or good to keep the score, and they just can’t have fun. They feel disconnected and alone. Intimacy is just a distant dream. Does this resonate with you? Are you wondering how to regain your connection and your privacy?
Note that quarrels, fights and dead ends can take any flavor, where it feels like these are the issues to be solved … They may have chores, money, kids, in-laws, etc., but when partners feel connected they find out these things … Whatever your stalemate and problem, be open to the idea that this is actually not the problem …
Because our minds, our sense of self, our dynamics and our dreams are so elusive that we have no better way to communicate what is going on and tackle what is needed head on, then we are rooting ourselves on a topic or concern and let’s talk about it … working in the relationship manifests as problems on the weeds of life … We lose sight of the awesomeness of our relationship and our partner … We lose perspective and we get lost …
Our job is to transcend the minutiae and the weeds, the things and subjects that trouble us, and to master the emotional and relational aspect of what is happening. And, my friends, this is the gift no matter what problem you are having … Because when you find out how to fix it (heart / love not head / ego) and change the blockage, you can be on the same page, change habits and meet your needs, connect and enjoy the privacy, and collaborate easily …
Of course, you still need to keep your wits constant, use great communication skills, meet your and your partner’s needs, nurture your relationship, and have systems in place to work well together.
Note that it is difficult to do something good for the relationship if we are crooked about how we look at our partner and our relationship. It is practically impossible to have excellent communication, connection and collaboration if we see our partner as the enemy… It is impossible to change the models and create what we will not do if we have an operating system dirty …
Also note that whatever problem you hang up on becomes almost pointless once you change your mindset, get on the same page, and take care of each other. At this point, only the systems to work together are needed … But these are super hard to set up and honor when you’re funky … That’s why most of my writing focuses on the mental side of things and about self-care to help you lift off and self-regulate – both help reprogramming… You are welcome.
Once you no longer see your partner as the enemy, the rest is much easier, including maintaining the relationship … Nurturing relationships is the antidote to breakdowns and the lubricant to manifest and create the relationship and life you want …
Assuming you’ve worked on your mindset and no longer blame your partner for the state of things, then we can do a little connecting work …
It helps to look at Connection as a verb, something that is actively pursued and nurtured.. Most partners assume that they will feel connected, forever… and that their connection is rock-solid… It is possible, but it is not automatically…
Let’s start with the basics:
Individual shine – To ensure that you minimize anxiety and turmoil in your relationship and create a strong, loving, and successful relationship, make sure you embrace a tolerance for differences, individuality, and separation. It may seem counterintuitive as we are talking about connection and intimacy building. But believe it or not, that’s what keeps things interesting and alive … You are bound to find yourself in a rut when obsessed with similarities, chords, and feel …
Connection habits – The easiest and easiest way to make sure we invest in sustaining our relationship is to create Connection Habits ™ and integrate them into our daily routine… Connection habits are tangible, concrete and repeatable actions of a TLC nature – loving, caring, loving, compassionate, generous, in harmony, present, touching base, registering, tender hand, etc.
Meeting with your partner – To make sure you keep things sexy and alive, you need to get out of the grind and go on dates. And, for these dates to be meaningful and effective, you need to quit your roles at home and just show up with you. With your masculine or feminine energy and your essence … It’s a whole different ball game when you don’t bring your tasks, your problems, your expectations and your dynamics … Be prepared to be pleasantly surprised …
Getting back to the way you look at your partner and your relationship, these basics get tough when you’re going through a tough time in your relationship. You would most likely be threatened / triggered by differences, individuality and separation… You are unlikely to want to do TLC. And you are unlikely to want to plan and go on a date and enjoy the after party. (Wink!)
Therefore, if you have a hard time with these, be sure to come back to your mindset and perspective. This requires special attention if you want to be able to move on to the right things …
ASSIGNMENT: Identify if you are ready to work on Connection or if you still need to improve your Relational Mindset ™…
To increase your connection, privacy, and enjoyment, select which one you want to start with:
Individual Shine – Build time for yourself into your routine to do what you love, then share it with others. Bring new energy to the interaction …
Connection Habits – Pick one action you can commit to doing each day to give your partner TLC – add it to your daily routine.
Meet your partner – Commit to at least monthly dates. Take turns planning them to please your partner …
Commit to nurturing the relationship and having fun doing it!
Continue to invest in the enrichment of your relationship, continue to work on the 5 elements of Successful Couple Strategy ™. Today we played with Context / Mindset (E1) and Connection / Intimacy (E4). Woot!
PS1 – Free monthly Thematic webinar:
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-Bring out, be on the same page and get things done as a team
-Deep your connection and improve your privacy
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PS3 – Check out the related articles:
Do you have bad thoughts about your partner?
Do you play with your partner?
Are you giving your honey enough?
Are you nice to your partner?
Do you feel stuck in your relationship?
Do you support each other?
Are you ready for a deeper connection with your spouse?
When are you on your partner’s nerves?
How much do you get your partner?
Can you change partners?
Can’t get your partner to do what you want?
How do you show your commitment?
PS4 – Get your Quotes and Quickies ™ for this post!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the founder and director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice specializing in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship ™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy ™ which help couples to succeed in their relationship and their lives. Stay Connected ™ with Emma and get weekly connect notes to your inbox with information and strategies for personal development and relationship building, visit: www.metrorelationship.com